I was fine.
That was the word they always used.
Jim’s fine.
Jim doesn’t need much.
Jim’s easy.
I got decent grades. I played baseball. I went to community college. I became an electrician. I built a quiet, steady life for myself.
I was not flashy. I was not dramatic. I did not demand attention.
Somewhere along the way, my family decided that because I never demanded attention, I must not want it.
I want to be clear about something. I am not sitting here pretending I was some tortured soul growing up. I had parents. I had holidays. I had family dinners. There was laughter in the house, and there were good days.
But there were also things that left dents.
Scott’s college graduation was a three-day event. Relatives came from out of town. My mother ordered a cake with his school colors. My father gave a toast in the backyard.
When I finished trade school, I got a card and dinner at Applebee’s. My mom spent most of the meal talking about Scott’s new apartment in Nashville.
Paige’s first apartment was furnished by my parents. Couch, bed frame, dishes, lamps, everything.
When I got my first place at twenty-two, my dad helped me move one couch, then said he had to get back because he was grilling steaks for Scott’s birthday that weekend.
My birthday had been two days before.
We had celebrated it with a phone call.
Again, none of it looked cruel from the outside. It was just consistent, like water dripping on stone. You do not notice the erosion at first. Then one day you realize there is a hole where something solid used to be.
I settled into adulthood about twenty minutes from my parents’ house. Close enough to be available, far enough to have my own life.
I went to Sunday dinners when I could. I helped my dad with yard work. I fixed wiring at their house for free because that was what you did when you were the family electrician.
I was the guy they called when something broke.
And I showed up every time because I kept thinking that if I just kept showing up, eventually they would start showing up for me too.
My girlfriend, Leah, and I had been together about two years when everything happened.
Leah was the first person who ever looked at my family from the outside and said something.
We had gone to Thanksgiving the year before, and on the drive home, she was quiet for a long time. I thought maybe she was tired. Then she looked out the windshield and said, “Jim, do you notice that your mom asked Scott about his promotion four times, but she did not ask you one question about the commercial project you just finished?”
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